What If Nigeria Had a ‘Return Policy’ on Politicians?
Imagine if Nigerians could return bad politicians the way we return faulty generators. No need to wait four years to “vote them out." Just walk into a Government Returns Center and demand a refund.
Attendant: “Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?”
Citizen: “I’d like to return this governor.”
Attendant: “Oh dear. What’s the issue?”
Citizen: “He doesn’t work. He just makes noise.”
The attendant sighs and brings out a form. Reason for return?
☐ Promised roads, gave potholes
☐ Specializes in press statements, not action
☐ Only shows up on Twitter
☐ Uses ‘the last administration’ as an excuse
☐ All of the above
In this new system, once a politician gets too many refund requests, they’re immediately replaced. No long tribunal hearings, no Supreme Court gymnastics. Better still, every state gets a seven-day politician return window—if a newly elected official starts misbehaving within a week, they go straight back to wherever they came from.
Of course, like every return policy, there would be terms and conditions.
Politicians who defect to another party more than three times become “non-refundable.” Nigerians will have to bear them like bad network service.
If a leader has already ‘eaten’ half of the state budget before getting kicked out, they’ll be refunded as store credit. Meaning, the next governor starts with a deficit. Tough luck.
Returned politicians must undergo a “leadership rehabilitation” program before contesting again. This includes sitting in Lagos traffic for six months, fetching water from a borehole in a rural community, and surviving a full year on minimum wage.
But here’s where it gets tricky: different people will have different return policies. Some Nigerians might want a 48-hour trial period, others might insist that politicians must complete at least six months before being eligible for a return. Some will say, “Let them work small,” while others will demand immediate refunds at the first sign of trouble. To manage this, a national Politician Returns & Refunds Agency (PRRA) would have to aggregate all complaints, verify claims, and issue an official “Final Take”—a balanced decision on whether the politician gets a second chance or goes straight to the political junkyard.
Some argue that this would lead to instability. But is instability worse than the current “buy one, suffer for four years” policy we have now?
In an ideal world, maybe we wouldn’t need refunds. Maybe politicians would actually do the jobs they campaigned for. But until then, a little customer protection wouldn’t hurt.
Wouldn’t it be nice to wake up one day and hear:
“Breaking News: Nigerians have returned their senator. The refund process is currently underway.”
That would be the best governance reform yet.
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